my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
