I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
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You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
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I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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