apparently the secret to your success is patron
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
