I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
