Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
