I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
