he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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