Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
