who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
