Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
