I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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