I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
