she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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