My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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