Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
