I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
