Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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