He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.