I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.