Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
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I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
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Thank you for not boning my boss.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.