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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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• (516): View more from New York

  Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.

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  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

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• (207): View more from Maine

  He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.

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• (925): View more from California

  Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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• (307): View more from Wyoming

  Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

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  21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers

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• (509): View more from Washington

  Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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• (865): View more from Tennessee

  I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  I can't adult today.

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Take a nap and try again

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.

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• (407): View more from Florida

  I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.

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