Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
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Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
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Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.