my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
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So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
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I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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