I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
