why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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