if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
