My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
