Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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