Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
