hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Drunk is a universal language darling
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
