They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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