Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
