im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
