I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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