I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
