Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
