drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
