did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
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Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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