i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
