I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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