i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
