Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My life is pants optional.
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