I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
