I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
