My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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