You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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