I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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