Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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