I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
