I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
