apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Drunk is not a location!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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