Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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