I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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