evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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