mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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