why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
