When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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