I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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