I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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